


If You Leave

by Mythological_Compendium



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Altar Boy Castiel, Altar Boy Kevin, Altar Boy Samandriel, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Priests, Anal Sex, Bisexual Character, Bisexual Dean Winchester, Bisexual Male Character, Blasphemy, Confessional Sex, Confessions, Depressed Castiel, Depression, Dirty Talk, Dirty Thoughts, F/M, Fanartists Encouraged, Flashbacks, Human Castiel, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide attempt, M/M, Masturbation, Prayer, Priest Castiel, Priest Kink, Religion, Religious Content, Roleplay, Sexual Tension, Unhappy Ending, Young Castiel, Young Dean Winchester, Young Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-25
Updated: 2014-12-25
Packaged: 2018-03-02 19:52:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,855
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2824094
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mythological_Compendium/pseuds/Mythological_Compendium
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Father Castiel Milton lives a simple life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If You Leave

**Author's Note:**

> Title based on the song, "If You Leave" by OMD

Father Castiel Milton lives a simple life. He wakes up every morning, eats a hearty breakfast, gets dressed, and goes to church where he spends his day helping to heal the souls of the people in his parish. Day after day after day, whenever Castiel would don his cassock and do the work of the Lord, he felt at peace. He always has, ever since he was a boy. His father knew that Castiel, of all his adopted sons, would be the one most likely to follow in his footsteps. His oldest brother, Michael, did the same but the others chose a life away from the cloth. Castiel doesn’t mind though, not as much as their father would. He was just happy that they were happy. At the end of his work days, he goes back into his office to remove his robes and say one last prayer before he leaves to go to his family home, where he will eat his dinner and go to sleep until he can start his whole day over again. Father Castiel Milton lives a simple life and he wouldn’t have it any other way.

There are, however, those days when Castiel feels that there is something missing. On those days, he would wake up alone in bed and think to himself that he would rather stay there, rather go back to sleep, just so he would not have to move for a few more hours. Today is one of those days. Castiel drags himself from his warm sheets and slinks around the house until it’s time to leave. On days like this, donning his cassock doesn’t bring him the sort of joy that it usually does and Castiel has to sigh because he hates feeling like this. He thinks that perhaps he should give his brother a call, that he is overdue for a confession and that is what is bringing him down today.

Castiel is forced to lock up early, something that he would rather not do but his body is weary. He takes a deep breath and one last look around the sanctuary before closing the door and locking it.

"Am I too late for confession, Padre?" someone behind him asks.

Castiel frowns as he twists the key. "Yes, I'm afraid so." He hates turning away members of his congregation. "Perhaps you can come by tom—”

The key falls from Castiel's hand when he turns to see the man who had addressed him.

"Dean?” He croaks.

He's greeted with a smile he hasn't seen in years and it makes him gasp softly.

“Hey Cas.” speaks the voice behind the smile and Castiel's heart flutters at the old nickname.

"What are you doing here?" Castiel asks, trying his best to keep the quaver out of his voice.

"Thought I’d come visit," Dean puts his hands in his pockets and shrugs. "See how everything was holdin’ up without me these last few years." He takes a deep breath and gestures up at the church. "I see this place is still standing."

Castiel nods as he assesses the man before him. He’s—Castiel doesn’t dare to finish the thought.

Dean mirrors Castiel's action as he moves closer, making the priest's heart thump into overdrive. He stops two steps down from Castiel and bends to pick up the key.

"Dropped this." Dean says, handing it back.

Castiel plucks the key from the open palm and says, "Thank you."

"So, how’s your old man?"

The priest clenches his jaw. "He died," Castiel said. "Three years ago."

Dean's small smile drops into a frown. "Damn…I-I'm sorry, Cas, I know what he meant to you."

Castiel gulps. "He meant a lot to a lot of people."

"Yeah," Dean clears his throat. "So, uhm...I'll be staying in town, at the old house, for a couple days, do you maybe wanna grab a drink? We can catch up." Dean licks his lips and Castiel immediately has to look away. “We could—”

"You know I don't drink." He says quickly, brushing passed Dean and onto the sidewalk. "If you'll excuse me, I have to go."

"Dinner then?" Dean asks, louder because Castiel is walking away from him, loud enough to catch the attention of the boys across the street.

Castiel turns back so they're not having a shouting match. "I can't."

"Don't tell me you don't eat dinner either."

He's close enough again to see that Dean is trying to hide a smirk and it makes him grit his teeth. Castiel should’ve known that despite the outward appearance, Dean wouldn’t have changed a bit. He's still the same arrogant boy.

"I can't eat dinner with you because I’m fasting.” Castiel lies and is a little bothered by it before he remembers that Dean has lied to him plenty of times, more than he cares to count.

He watches Dean's eyebrows pull together. "Well okay then, how about tomorrow?

“Still fasting.”

“Cas c’mon you have to eat something at some point.” Dean sighs and moves down one step.

“Of course,” He forces a smile. “but I’m afraid you won’t be around long enough.”

“Okay, then what you suggest?”

"I suggest you ask Sam." Castiel says. "He comes to church every Sunday, I'm sure he can fill you in just fine."

"Nonono, I wanna know what's been going on with _you_."

"Well you _would_ know if you'd just kept your promise, wouldn't you?"

He hadn't expected to make Dean flinch.

"I deserved that." He says quietly.

"Yes, you did."

Castiel turns and starts walking away again.

He deeply regrets parking down the street instead of in front of the church like he always does when he hears Dean jogging to catch up with him.

"Look, Cas, just...”—Castiel keeps walking.—“Just let me talk to you for _one_ _second_.”

“The time for talking has passed, Dean.”

"Cas, please—”

He reaches his car but he is so exasperated with Dean calling him by that name, Castiel flips around to face him.

“Buying me dinner isn’t going to erase the last ten years, Dean, and neither will a quick chat consisting of you giving me some sort of half-assed apology for _abandoning_ me." He fetches his car keys from his pocket. "Now if you’ll excuse me, I have things I should be doing and you're holding up my time."

Dean watches—a helpless expression on his face that Castiel desperately tries to ignore—as he unlocks the car door then gets in without a last look and starts to drive away.

If he glanced up at the rear-view mirror once or twice to see if Dean was still standing there, that was between him and God.

Castiel fumes as he steps into his home, dropping the keys onto the counter and slamming the back door. The nerve of that Dean Winchester to come back after all these years and expect everything between them to just fall back into the places that they were before. He's not _Cas_ anymore, not some little thing suffering with his emotions and feelings towards Dean. No, he is passed that. Castiel has grown, has evolved under the grace of God and he is no longer in need of attention and affection from Dean Winchester. Arrogant, salacious Dean Winchester with eyes like stretches of open grass and lips like sin, lips that could once sweet-talk Castiel into doing whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted but not anymore. Castiel is grown, evolved. Father Castiel Milton lives a simple life. Why is Dean Winchester back to ruin that?

He settles down with his evening rituals and pushes away any thought involving Dean from his mind.

~•~

_Cas felt the dip at the end of his bed a second before he was tackled with his wrists pinned on either side of his head._

_“Mornin’ babe.” His boyfriend grinned before pushing a kiss onto his lips._

_“Dean! Dean, what are you doing here?” Panicked, Cas looked over at his closed door then whispered, “My father—”_

_“Is at church.” Dean interjected, nuzzling his nose against Castiel’s as he released his wrists. “I checked before I came over.”_

_“What about my brothers?”_

_Dean bit his lip. “Mike's with your dad, Raf and Gabe are downtown, and Balto is still at Ginger's house."_

_Cas sighed then laughed softly as he reached up to run his hands through Dean's hair. “Do you ever think about where we'd be if you didn't recon my house everytime you wanted to come over?"_

_Dean shrugged then pushes up onto his knees to strip out of his flannel. Cas watched and brought his legs up around Dean's sides before he leaned down again. He smiled into their kiss and wrapped his legs around Dean's thighs._

_Something heavy hits the floor by their feet and Cas broke the kiss to see that Dean had just kicked his shoe off. Dean started on the other shoe as he nipped at the exposed skin of Castiel's neck._

_"We don't have time." Cas says as Dean's other shoe hits the floor._

_Dean kissed lower, "Mhm." then bit Castiel's collarbone._

_Cas gasped then gripped Dean's hair to pull him back._

_"Why are you doing this?"_

_"I'm horny." Dean replied with a grin._

_Cas squinted at that then repeated, "We don't have time."_

_"So we won't," Dean shrugged then started shifting down Castiel's body. "I'll just blow you."_

_Cas grabbed Dean by the shoulders and quickly flipped them over. "You, Dean Winchester, don't just hand out blowjobs unless you want something, so what do you want?"_

_"No really, I wanna blow you."_

_Cas slapped him lightly on the chest, making him laugh._

_"Okay, okay," Dean placed his hands on Castiel's hips and sighed. "Tomorrow's the big day, Cas, and I wanted to know if you thought about my proposition."_

_Cas frowned and climbed off of Dean to sit on the bed._

_"I_ have _thought about it." Cas said softly._

_"And?" Dean was holding his breath._

_Cas found himself unable to look Dean in the eyes._

_"I know you had your heart set on me going with you but," He took a deep breath. "I can't leave my father and brothers."_

_After a moment, Dean nodded._

_"I was afraid you'd say that," and pursed his lips. "But it's okay."_

_Cas sighed deeply as he felt tears prickling his eyes._

_"Hey," Dean took Castiel's face in his hands. "Hey, it's okay. I'll just...I'll come back and visit every break and I'll call you every day and I'll write you letters and all that mushy crap."_

_Cas laughed and placed his hands over Dean's. "What if you become interested in someone else while you're there?"_

_Dean shook his head. "There's nobody but you, Cas." He pushed the tips of their noses together. "There's never been anybody but you."_

_Cas leaned in for a kiss before they wrapped their arms tightly around each other and laid back down on the bed._

_He sniffled into Dean’s shirt. "You promise you'll come back to visit, and call, and write me letters?"_

_"Every day."_

_"And once you've graduated you'll come back to me?"_

_"'Course babe." Dean held him tighter and brushed his fingers through his hair as Cas ran his hands over Dean's back. “I love you too much to leave you all alone in his hick town.”_

_Cas shook his head but he smiled._

_"So uh...how about that blowjob?"_

_The words, "Don't cheapen the moment, Dean," tumbled out of Castiel’s lips along with a light slap to his back._

_Dean’s whole body shook with a laugh._

~•~

Though he tried to forget it, what happened yesterday hung heavily on his mind as soon as Castiel woke up, but he did try to take solace in the fact that he was back to feeling like his usual self. He should still call his brother though, since in his outrage, he had forgotten to last night.

Unfortunately, he is still thinking about it even when the school bus pulls up in front of the church and his altar boys start running in. He waves at the bus driver who returns a salute before closing the bus doors.

Each boy smiles at him as they pass until all seven of them have taken their seats in the front rows before he looks over them. Only one boy has his head down, picking at the fray in the knee of his jeans.

"Samandriel." Castiel says, catching the boy’s attention.

The boy quickly stands. "Yes Father?"

"Have you memorized your verse for today?"

"Yes Father." He nods. "Matthew six: fourteen and six: fifteen."

"Ah,” Castiel nods slowly, “And how does that one go again?"

Samandriel purses his lips. "Do you not know?"

Castiel smiles. "I want to make sure that _you_ know."

"He _doesn't_ know it," mutters another boy.

“What was that Kevin?”

The other boy looks up at the priest’s question.

"I said he doesn't know it." Kevin glances at Samandriel. "We were up all night online playing video games and he didn’t memorize it."

"Shut up, Kevin!" Samandriel shouts.

" _You_ shut up, Sam!"

"Boys!" Castiel says sternly, catching their attention before gently adding, "You shouldn't fight. Under this roof, you're brothers and brothers love each other. Okay?"

"Okay." Both boys say in unison with frowns on their faces.

"Now, Samandriel _did_ you stay up all night playing video games instead of memorizing your verse?"

"Yes." He bows his head and Castiel smiles softly.

"That's okay but you know the punishment, right?"

The boy huffs. "Now I have to memorize two for next week."

Castiel nods and Samandriel sits heavily in the pew.

"I know it Father!" Kevin says, standing. "If I say it, will Sam still have to memorize two?"

The Father squints. "You learned yours _and_ his."

"I learned them _all_."

Castiel raises his brow. "Well, alright then, Kevin. Go ahead."

Kevin takes a deep breath and recites, "For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. Matthew six: fourteen and six: fifteen."

Castiel gives the boy a smile as he reflects on the words. "Very good, Kevin."

The boy beams.

"And it looks like you're off the hook Samandriel."

Samandriel gasps. "Thank you, Kevin!"

"That's what brothers are for, right Father?"

The priest chuckles, "You're exactly right." Then clears his throat and opens his Bible to the page holding the scripture. "Now, on the topic of forgiveness..."

Something just outside of Castiel's periphery catches his attention and he looks up to see Sam Winchester standing in the frame of the church doorway. The boys notice their teacher's pause and turn to look for themselves at the man who smiles and waves at them as he steps further in but still hangs back by the farthest pews.

Castiel clears his throat, bringing their attention back to him. "It seems that we'll have to cut this short."

A series of whines echo through the empty church at his words.

Castiel sighs. "Well, would you rather go practice now and then finish this once you're done?"

There's a general consensus of affirmatives before they're all running off to go change into their robes.

Castiel closes his Bible and sets it on top of the stool as Sam moves toward him.

The taller man engulfs Castiel in a tight hug. “Hey, Father.” He pats Castiel’s shoulder when he pulls away.

“Hello Sam.” Castiel smiles and folds his fingers together. "How may I help you?”

“Uh,” Sam purses his lips and squints his eyes a little. “I think you _might_ know why I’m here but if you don’t, that’s—”

Castiel nods. “This is about Dean.”

Sam lets out a relieved sigh. “So he _did_ come talk to you.”

“He came by last night.”

“Good. Good.”

Castiel would beg to differ but he remains silent.

“So, what’d you say?”

“Well, he wanted to have dinner with me so he could apologize but I refused.” Castiel purses his lips and mutters, “In hindsight, I probably should’ve heard him out.”

Sam has an expression on his face like he’s waiting for something and when he apparently realises that it won’t come, he asks, “Is that all?”

“Yes.” Castiel nods. “Why? Should there be something else?”

“No.” Sam answers quickly. “No, I just thought there would be, that’s all.”

Castiel shakes his head. “No.”

The boys, wearing their vestments, are just starting to march in through the front doors of the church and Castiel is reminded of the scripture they mentioned earlier. He gives them a half-hearted thumbs-up around Sam’s shoulder as he sighs.

“Sam, can I ask you a question?”

The man looks up from checking his watch. “Yeah, sure.”

“How did you do it?” His eyes track back to Sam’s. “How did you forgive him so easily? After all, he left you here alone with your father before you went to Stanford.”

After a moment of reflection, Sam shrugs. “He’s my brother.”

“Surely that doesn’t mean he can get away with _anything_.”

“’Course not but…I dunno I think he just had a lot on his plate when he left. Our dad was giving him shit about it and money was hard to come by and whatever he did earn, dad would drink it so…it’s not that he didn’t care, Cas, he just got caught up and lost track.” Sam clears his throat. “I don’t think he meant to hurt you…or anyone for that matter.”

“He could’ve told me.” Castiel shakes his head. “The scant few times that we _did_ speak while he was away, he never told me any of that.”

“It’s Dean, are you really that surprised?” Sam scoffs. “I still get why you’re mad though. Dean did a sh— _terrible_ thing and I’m not gonna defend him for it but…at least now you know why, right?”

Castiel purses his lips. “He’s your brother, Sam, and I understand that but you don’t know what Dean and I had, the plans we’d made, all of which he went back on.”

“You’re right,” Sam nods. “But, Matthew six: fourteen and fifteen, right?”

Castiel closes his eyes for a moment. “That’s low, Sam.”

Sam laughs softly then gently pats Castiel’s shoulder. “Hey, I gotta go okay? You good?”

Castiel smiles. “I’m good.”

“Alright, I’ll catch you tomorrow.”

“Have a good day, Sam.”

 ~•~

Castiel has been sitting, parked across the street from the Winchester’s old house for about fifteen minutes. The lights are on but the curtains are drawn so he can’t see inside. He doesn't have Dean’s number so he couldn’t say that he was coming, he simply hopped in his car and started driving after he finished Bible study with the boys. He taps his fingers on the steering wheel and takes a deep breath before finally exiting the car. He crosses the street and slowly walks up to the house, taking steps he hadn’t taken in ten years.

He has to pause and breathe deeply before he raises his hand to knock. His hand hadn’t even touched the wood and he contemplates turning back but he knows his shouldn’t let this go unaddressed so he raps his knuckles against the door.

A blonde-haired young woman answers his knocks.

“Hi, can I help you?” Her eyes drop to the collar and she puts on a small smile, adding, "Father?"

“I’m sorry.” He smiles back. “I’m looking for Dean Winchester."

Her smile widens after a moment. "You must be Cas.” She turns back into the house and yells, "Dean, someone's at the door for you!"

"I'm sorry, do I know you?" Castiel asks as she gestures him inside.

"Oh right, yeah," She giggles then holds out her hand. "Hi, I'm Lydia, Dean's fiancée."

Castiel's brows pull together. Perhaps he misheard...

"His _fiancée_?" Castiel asks.

"Mhm," She nods, raising her hand to show him the ring. "He'll be right down, I don't know what's taking so long."

Castiel’s heart is racing.

"So, have you given any thought to whether or not you could officiate the wedding?"

His ears are ringing.

"Excuse me?"

"I thought that that's why Dean went to go see you."

"Wh—I—”

"Cas?"

Castiel and Lydia find Dean standing at the top of the staircase.

"What are you doing here?" He asks, eyes darting between the two of them.

His blood is boiling.

"I wanted to talk to you about what you said yesterday." Castiel replies, much calmer than he feels.

"So he _did_ ask you about the wedding?" Lydia chirps.

Castiel shoots a glare at Dean and, seeing it, the man gulps.

"I...I went to go talk to him but he was busy, so we planned to talk tonight but then I lost track of time and he had to come here, right Cas?"

Castiel nods, "Right." and forces a smile when Lydia turns to him.

"Okay, so then why don't you stay for dinner and we'll all talk about it together?" She smiles.

Dean starts to say something but Castiel cuts in.

"Actually, I should be going."

Lydia blinks. “But you just—”

He takes her hand and apologizes gently, before turning to leave the house.

He wants to take off in a run but his knees are too weak.

"Cas!" Dean is calling out to him from the house but he keeps moving. "Cas wait...please!"

_Get to the car, just a few more steps._

"I was gonna tell you."

He stops at the end of the driveway because he fears his legs couldn't carry him any further, _not_ because he wants to hear Dean out.

"When?" Castiel breathes, turning. "How long would you have stayed in town, building up your courage until you could ask me, ask _me_ to be the one to give you away to-to some-to someone else." His chest hitches in a sob once he finally gets the words out. “And to think I came by to tell you that I forgave you.”

Dean purses his lips and tentatively steps a little closer, sighing heavily and Castiel doesn't know why he's even still listening.

"Cas,” Dean frowns, “Can we go somewhere private to talk about this? I don't..." He looks back at the house.

Castiel scoffs. "Don't want your fiancée to know you used to screw the man you want to marry you both?"

Dean's eyes find his again and Castiel can see the hurt there but he doesn't back down.

"That's not it, Cas." Dean finally sighs. "I'd just rather have this one-on-one not out in the open for all the neighbours to see and hear."

Castiel pulls a quick in-take of breath and looks around at all the lit windows in the houses surrounding them.

"I really should be going, Dean." Castiel replies, shaking his head. "Please tell Lydia I said good night."

"Cas..."

He ignores the plea in Dean's voice and keeps moving toward his car. He doesn't breathe until he's behind the wheel pulling away from the street.

Castiel fights his tears as best he can. He gets through the drive home and dinner but as soon as he climbs into bed and lays in the dark, he can’t help the sobs that break the silence of his bedroom and shakes his body.

 

Castiel is having another one of those off days. Twice in one week is…abnormal, but he is hardly surprised considering recent developments.

His body sags as he sits in the confessional silently waiting for another burdened soul to come to him for absolution. He feels like he has been waiting for ages. Just as he reaches out to move the curtain back to check if the church is empty, he hears the tell-tale rustling that lets him know someone is on the other side of the screen.

“In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen.”

The priest closes his eyes at the sound of that voice but he keeps to the script. "Amen. Bless you my son.”

Dean snickers, "Well, first off I confess that the first thought I had as I walked in here was about what we did the last time we were in these positions."

Castiel's face heats at the memory and he pulls at his collar to relieve some of the heat that had somehow made its way into the booth. He coughs into his hand and asks,

"How long has it been since your last confession?”

He hears Dean's soft chuckle. "Like…nine years.”

“Why so long?”

“Didn’t have the occasion, I guess.”

“There are no churches where you live?”

Dean takes a moment to softly reply, “Couldn’t walk into a church without thinkin' about you.”

The blush that Castiel had burning under his skin diminishes and he leans his head back against the wall of the booth.

"Tell me your sins.”

He hears Dean take a deep breath. "Let's see, there was what I thought about just now and also I've...stolen, I've been envious, prideful, lustful, I've lied,"

"And cheated,” Castiel says softly, not expecting that Dean would hear him but, after a second of silence, Dean repeats his words before continuing,

“Pretty much if it's a sin, I'm confessin' to it."

“Twenty Lord’s Prayers and twenty-five Hail Marys.” Castiel says quickly. “Through the ministry of the Church, may God give you pardon and peace, and I absolve you from your sins in the name of the Father, of the Son and of the Holy Spirit.”

“Amen.”

He glances over through the screen to see Dean cross himself.

"Thank you, Father." Dean says but Castiel doesn’t hear any indication of him leaving.

After a moment, Dean sighs. “I know I’m the last person you wanna be talking to right now but…”

“This isn't a place for _chatting_ , Dean." He asserts.

"It’s the only place you'll let me explain."

"I don’t want to hear what you have to say."

"Cas, please, I just wanna make this right.”

The priest bites his lip. "Fine."

"Thank you." Dean clears his throat. “First of all, that stuff I said when we were kids about visiting every break and calling you every day and writing you letters, I really meant it y’know I wasn’t just sayin’ that to make you feel better. But then once school started I kept losing track of time and most of the time that I _did_ think about it was during the week or too late to call.” He sighs deeply. “I did get a job right out of college though,” He laughs bitterly. “Guess all that hard work and no play paid off. That’s where,” He pauses for long enough for Castiel to pay attention and raise his head to look over at the screen. “That was when I met Lydia.”

Castiel resists the urge to roll his eyes and leans back against the wall again.

"We got serious pretty fast. It was like this huge whirlwind thing and then next I know it’s two years later and I…I figured you’d forgotten about me, Cas, figured you’d find another guy or join up with your dad. So I asked her to marry me but then,” Castiel notices that Dean is doing an awful lot of sighing. “Then Sam moved back here and he started telling me about you and how you've been fixing up around here and how you were running the church now and _God_ , Cas, I—I couldn’t take it anymore, I needed to see you.

“So I made up this stupid reason for wanting to come home. I told her I couldn’t get married unless you were the one to do it, but then Lydia wanted to come along and I had to keep up the pretence, Cas. I didn’t mean for you to meet. I just wanted to gauge how things were gonna be between us once I came back and I gotta be honest Cas, these last couple days've been… _hard_. It's like no matter what I do, I can't stop thinking about you."

The priest looks over to see Dean’s palm pressed against the screen.

“I thought about you every day when I was away too. There were a million times when I wanted to drop everything and come back to you, Cas, but I knew you wouldn’t take me back. I knew you’d hate me.”

"I _should_ hate you." Castiel interjects bitterly. “You lied to me, you led me on for _years_ before I realised that you’d lied through your teeth about coming back to me. I was depressed and I still am.” He takes a moment to breathe because he had never said those words out loud before, not to anyone. “You broke my heart, Dean,” He says, his voice cracking. “And I don’t know how many times I thought about killing myself.”

No sound came from the other side of the booth.

“If it wasn’t for my father, if it wasn’t for this church, you would have nothing to come back to. I _should_ hate you, Dean Winchester. I should hate you with everything I have.” He gulps and softly adds, "But I don't." Castiel looks up to the ceiling, silently asks forgiveness for this confession. “Ever since you came back, ever since I saw you on those steps, I haven’t been able to stop myself from thinking about you either.”

Dean exhales.

“I keep telling myself that the reason is because I hate you but deep down I know it’s not.” Castiel sighs and closes his eyes. “At any rate, our emotions are irrelevant. I’m a man of God and you’re getting married.”

“I don’t have to.” Dean says quickly.

Castiel opens his eyes again. The hand on the screen is gone.

“What are you talking about?”

“Lydia and I have been going through a rough patch lately anyway. If I call the whole thing off it’s not like it’d be a surprise.”

“Dean, you can’t do that.”

“I wanna make it up to you, Cas. I wanna erase these last ten years. It’s all I’ve ever wanted is for things to go back to the way they were.”

“They can’t!” Castiel sits up. “I won’t break my vow for you.”

“You don’t have to.”

Castiel shakes his head. “This makes no sense.”

“I know,” Dean laughs softly, sweetly, and Castiel can’t help the smile that blossoms on his own face. “I know it makes no sense but I’m just—I mean I wanna start over. I know we can’t like _date_ but I at least wanna be your friend. We can spend time together and get to know each other all over again.”

Castiel bites his lip to keep from smiling wider. “That won’t work, Dean, eventually our feelings will get in the way.”

“We’ll work around ‘em.”

“Dean—”

“I wanna try, Cas. Please?”

Castiel doesn’t want to believe that this is happening. He folds his fingers together.

“What will you tell Lydia?”

“I’ll figure something out.”

Castiel starts chewing his lip.

“Will you have dinner with me tonight or are you still fasting?”

He doesn’t have to look to know that Dean is wearing that same hopeful expression from yesterday on his face again.

Castiel smiles. "I can't tonight, but how about tomorrow?"

“Tomorrow's great."

"Tomorrow then."

"I can't wait."

 _Me neither_.

"I'll meet you here at...seven?"

Castiel nods. “Yes.”

"Alright." Dean breathes and Castiel can hear the smile in his voice, “Bye Cas.”

Castiel waits a moment before pushing the curtain back. He finds the church empty apart from Dean, walking out between the pews. He sighs as he watches him go.

~•~

_"Deeaan," Cas whined, looking around the church as they walked down the aisle. "On second thought, I'm not sure if we should be doing this."_

_Dean laughed, "Babe, it'll be fine."_

_"But it's_ sacrilege _!" He whispered sharply._

_"That's what makes it so fun." Dean grinned as he pushed Cas up against the wall dividing the sides of the confessional booth._

_Cas sighed as Dean nosed at his neck. "I'll never understand your obsession with doing this sort of thing in the church.”_

_Dean scoffed. "You're just too Catholic to admit it turns you on too."_

_Cas rolled his eyes as he shoved at Dean's shoulders to get him up. "Let's just get this over with."_

_"Try not to sound quite so excited." Dean smirked as he pulled back the curtain and climbed in._

_Cas took one last look around before getting in the other side._

_"Ready?" Dean breathed._

_"Yes."_

_Dean cleared his throat.“In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen.”_

_"Amen. Bless you my son.”_

_"God," Dean exhaled heavily. "I dunno what it is about this box Cas, but damn if you don't sound a million times sexier."_

_Castiel smiled at the compliment. "How long has it been since your last confession?”_

_"Mmm couple days...eh,well last night actually."_

_Cas snorted. "I don't think telling me that you want to get off in the confessional booth while my father is out counts as a confession."_

_"It should. I mean, you're a priest's kid so by proxy my confession should've been translated."_

_"Do you know how ridiculous that sounds?"_

_Dean snickered. "Cas c'mon, keep to the script."_

_Cas shook his head. "Tell me your sins.”_

_"Right," Dean cleared his throat._ _“Well…I came to talk to you about last night’s confession.”_

_“Yes?”_

_"_ _I_ _just...I don't think it worked, is all. I mean, I don't feel very unburdened y'know maybe, maybe I didn't go into deep enough detail about some of the stuff_ _so_ _...can I try again?"_

 _"_ _Be my guest."_

 _"Okay, so_ _I've_ _really_ _been_ _struggling with lust_ _lately_ _."_

 _"_ _A_ vast _understatement_ _."_

 _Dean_ _chuckled then cleared his throat. "See the thing is that I keep thinking about this one guy y'know I just can't get_ _him_ _off my mind. And every time it happens, every time I think about him I gotta stop whatever I'm doing and just..." Dean sighed and Cas heard rustling. “I have to touch myself."_

 _Cas’ mouth_ _turned up in a smirk that he was glad Dean couldn't see_ _._

_"That's a sin too, right? Masturbating?"_

_"_ _Yes it is_ _." Cas_ _answered as he reached down between his own legs._

_"I confess to that too, then, 'cuz I do it all the time now."_

_"_ _Tell me_ _..."_

_Dean sighed, "I think about sneaking in through his window at night while his father and brothers are asleep and crawling up under his sheets where he'll be awake waiting for me."_

_"Mhm?"_

_"And then I kiss all over his body while I’m taking off his clothes and once he’s naked and all covered up with hickies, I think about slicking myself up and sinking my—"_

_Cas huffed, "Dean!"_

_There's a gasp on the other side like Cas had knocked him out of a trance. "What?"_

_"You skipped the foreplay." Cas tsked. "You can't skip the foreplay.”_

_"_ _I_ didn’t _!"_

_"What, taking clothes off and kissing? That's not enough. Go again."_

_The other side of the screen_ _was_ _silent._

_"Dean?"_

_The sound of the curtain being yanked back made Castiel jump and quickly cover himself before he realized that it was Dean._

_"Babe, you know I'm more of a doer than a sayer."_

_Cas grinned and Dean let the curtain drop behind him._

_He stood and put his hand on Dean's chest to keep him from coming any closer. "Dean, stop this. You can’t just walk in here, someone'll see!”_

_Dean searched his eyes for a second in the dimly lit box then licked his lips when he realized Cas was still playing._

_"But I'm showing you what I wanna do to you," He cleared his throat. "To him."_

_Cas' eyes got wider and he made a face that had Dean's skin tingling over how good he was at playing innocent._

_He even stuttered, "T-to_ me _?"_

 _"Yeah Cas_ _," Dean's_ _hand c_ _ame_ _up to cup his face. "_ _No one_ _but you."_

 _Their lips_ _met_ _and Cas_ _laid_ _his hands on Dean's shoulders,_ _like he_ _mean_ _t_ _to push him away but he just let them rest there, let them grip a little._

 _"Did you use the lube like I said_ _?"_ _Dean whispered,_ _barely audible_ _over Cas'_ _feverish breaths as he unzipped Cas’ jeans and pushed them down his hips along with his briefs._

 _Cas_ _nodded and pulled Dean back to his lips as Dean grabs his ass._ _He_ _gasped_ _in the heated air when Dean flipped him around and pressed him against the side wall. The_ _boy_ _whines, open-mouthed, letting his head thump against the surface when Dean bites his neck._

 _"_ _Thought you didn’t like this sort of thing."_ _Dean whispered in his ear as he slid his hand down to cup Cas’ cock._

 _"Dean..." His breath comes short. "_ _c'mon please_ _...”_

_He pushed his ass back against Dean’s crotch, making Dean suck a breath in through his teeth._

_“You’re the one who wanted foreplay.”_

_“If I pass out from the heat in here before we get anywhere I’ll effing kill you.” Cas grumbled._

_Dean snickered. “Alright, alright.” He used the hand that was rubbing Cas’ cock to get at his own zipper._

_Cas exhaled deeply when he heard Dean’s pants hit the floor a second before pressing him up against the wall._

_"Better?" Dean asked, nipping at his ear._

_Cas nodded slowly, moaned softly when Dean pressed his crotch against his ass before lining himself up._

_"Always so eager to get fucked, aren’t you?" Dean chuckled as Cas arched his hips back._

_Cas nodded shamelessly and bit his lip. He gasped long and loud, eyelids fluttering and toes curling in his shoes when Dean sunk into him._

_"Feels good baby." Dean sighs before he starts thrusting._

_Cas whimpers, his fingernails scraping the wood, hips stuttering between humping the wall or pushing back to get Dean deeper. He moaned, throwing his head back and Dean bit his shoulder._

_“Dean…”_

_The bite was soothed with a lick._

_“I’m gonna come.” Castiel admitted._

_"Just like this?" Dean kissed his neck and behind his ear. "Don't even have to touch your slutty little cock, huh?"_

_Cas' eyes rolled into his head when Dean started to piston his hips. The slapping sound of their skin rang in his ears._

_"Wanna come with you." Dean panted.  "Wanna come inside you. Mark you up. Make you mine."_

_"All yours." Cas agreed, breathlessly._

_"Fuck,” Dean grunted. “Cas!”_

_He felt the spurts of Dean spilling inside him and let out a whine as he rode out his own orgasm as his body shook._

_“I love you.” Dean huffed a laugh against Cas' shoulder as he kept fucking deeper._

_“I love you too.” Cas replied as he turned his head so Dean could kiss his lips and cheeks then neck as he emptied himself inside before sliding out._

~•~

Castiel wakes with a start to a sweltering room. He reaches one hand up to wipe a hand down his damp face as the other pulls at his shirt. With a sigh, he closes his eyes again, wanting to sink back into whatever sweet dream he was just having. He shifts his hips a little to relieve the uncomfortable stiffness in the front of his underwear but the movement brings his attention to the ache in his groin.

Castiel sits up quickly and just stares at the covers where he can clearly see that it’s tented. He starts biting at the side of his thumbnail. Castiel knows he shouldn’t have let his mind wander on the drive home later that night. He should’ve turned the radio on or rolled the windows down or something but he didn’t and now he’s stuck with an erection in the middle of the night.

He leaves his bed and walks into the living room to flip through the tv channels as he tries his best to ignore it. Screw Dean for bringing up what happened in the confessional when they were teenagers in the first place. Castiel grits his teeth at the worse choice of words he could possibly make. He sighs deeply and keeps flipping the channels. It took him months before he could sit in that box—in the booth, before he could stop thinking about what happened in there and then here comes Dean to ruin it again. There’s absolutely nothing on and Castiel’s erection just _will not_ subside.

Castiel balls his hands into fists and thinks maybe just once won’t hurt. After all it _is_ the best way to get rid of it and he’s only human. He’ll repent as soon as it’s over and he’ll make sure that it’s over quickly. He gets up from the couch and makes his way back into his bedroom.

The clock reads 3:09 AM back at him and Castiel rolls his eyes as he climbs into bed. Dean always manages just waltz into his father’s church and tempt him with decadence. He strips off his shirt and slides his hands down his naked chest but he stops them at his waist. _This is ridiculous!_ He thinks to himself. All this would take is a little self-control but Castiel would be lying to himself if he says he isn’t craving the touch of his own hand.

He takes a very deep breath and clenches his jaw before pressing his hand against his crotch outside his underwear. He whimpers when his hand eventually finds its way below his waistband and wraps itself around his hard cock. He gives it slow strokes and a smile starts spreading over his face until soft, sharp pants escape from his lips and he starts writhing under his own hand. He licks his lips and clenches his eyes shut as he starts stroking faster.

 _That’s it baby_ , Dean’s voice echoes in his mind. _Always such a good little slut for me_.

 “Dean,” he rasps, voice low and heavy.

Castiel shudders and louder pants come from his flushed lips. His breath catches as this insatiable need pounds through his body in hot pulses.

 _Wanna watch you finger yourself sweetheart_. He imagines Dean saying again, right by his ear before pressing a kiss there.

Castiel pushes the index and middle fingers of the hand not gripping his cock into his mouth to suck and runs his tongue between the fingers. His fingers swipe out of his mouth and leave wet trails across his chin. His thighs shake with the memory of Dean’s fingers pressing into his hole as he rubs his own fingertips against his puckered entrance without pushing inside.

He gasps as he grinds a little more urgently and shivers when a barely audible swear hisses passed his lips. His hand continues rubbing and he starts mumbling until his words melt into a wanton moan as he thrusts his hips into his pumping hand faster. He aches all over. Aches to feel Dean’s heat pressing him down into his mattress, to feel himself quivering around Dean’s cock, to have him deep inside, making him yell in pleasure.

"Dean!" he croaks again as he throws his head back as he hits his peak.

Spent, shivering and breathing hard, Castiel digs the heels of his hands into his eyes as the sound of his ragged panting fills the room.

When Castiel's eyes flutter open again it is to the light from the sun. He's warm all over and his body somehow feels heavy and weightless at the same time. He figures a few more moments in bed couldn't hurt so he curls his arms under his head and settles back in.

It only takes a moment before he remembers the events of last night and he lurches up from his mattress, sitting back on his legs as his eyes discover the wet spot on his briefs where his own seed is spilled to mark his shame.

Castiel's heart starts to race. He climbs out of bed and drags the sheet off the mattress to take them to his washing machine. He feels like a teenager again, having to hide his sheets from his dad every time he has a wet dream or whenever Dean snuck into his bedroom to spend the night. He strips out of his boxers and shoves them into the washing machine with his sheet.

He knew this would happen, he was just surprised it hadn’t happened sooner. Dean has that effect. He switches on the machine and leaves it there to run while he goes to get dressed.

 _Hail Mary, full of grace. Our Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen._ Ten times uttered before Castiel rises from his knees to sit on the edge of his bed.

There's no way he can meet Dean for dinner tonight. He wouldn't be able to face him knowing that he masturbated to the thought of what happened in the past. He gave his word that they wouldn’t let their feelings get in the way of their new-found friendship but then Castiel’s body betrayed him.

He shouldn't go to dinner with Dean. He should come up with a reason why because if he just changes his mind like that, Dean will get that look on his face and Cas can't—Castiel can't think about that now. He needs to get to church.

 

Ever since he stepped into the building, he hasn’t even been able to look at the confessional booth, let alone think of sitting inside it. He fears that as soon as tries, he might be too distracted by thoughts of Dean’s touch, Dean’s kisses, Dean’s tongue on his skin, Dean’s breath against his mouth, Dean’s thigh pressing against his crotch, Dean’s weight pressing him down, the feel of Dean pushing inside him. Castiel falls to his knees in the nearest pew.

 _“Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy Name. Thy Kingdom come. Thy will be done on Earth, as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive them that trespass against us. Lead us not into **temptation** ,” _He emphasises the word. _“But deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom, the power, and the glory are yours. For ever and ever. Amen. Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy—”_

"Father Castiel?" says a voice behind him, making him jump and quickly rise from his knees.

"Lydia." Yet another reminder of Dean. "Hi. Is everything okay?"

"Yeah," She nods. "Everything's fine, I just…wanted to talk to you, if that's okay?"

"Oh, yes of course." He gestures at the pew but she is looking toward the confessional booth.

“The bench is broken.” He blurts then purses his lips. “I’m afraid there’s nowhere to sit.”

“Oh.” She frowns.

“If you’d rather, I could turn away.”

She giggles, “No it’s fine.” then folds her skirt as she sits and he takes the place next to her. "Sorry it's just that...Dean's always talking about how you're such a good listener and I...I thought I’d come give it a shot.”

Castiel smiles softly. “I’m all ears.”

“Well, I…I received some news recently and it’s been weighing on me. I’m not exactly sure what to do about it. I mean, this is my first experience with this sort of thing and I’m sort of…lost.”

“Have you spoken to Dean about it?”

She shakes her head.

“Perhaps you should.”

“No, I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

Castiel furrows his brow. “Why not?”

“Dean's been a little distant since he's been back here.” She pushes a stray lock of hair behind her ear. “At first I thought it was because he didn't want me to come since he seemed so unhappy in the beginning but then lately it’s been the exact opposite so,” She shrugs. “Until I know what’s going through his head, I think I’ll keep the baby a secret.”

His breath hitches. "You're pregnant...?"

"Yeah," She smiles, touching her belly and Castiel feels faint. "I didn’t plan on saying anything to him until after the wedding but...I don't even know if that's going to happen at this point."

What feels like a moment later, he feels a hand on his shoulder. “Father?”

“Yes?” He looks back up at her and forces a smile.

“I asked if you’d be willing to keep this between us.”

Castiel nods, “Of course.”

“Thank you.” She squeezes his shoulder then sighs, "It feels really good to be able to say it to someone y’know?”

“No problem.” He nods and she mimics the action.

“I really appreciate it.”

“Yeah,” He breathes.

“Well,” Lydia takes a deep breath, raising her shoulders and dropping them again. “I should be going,” She stands.

“Have a good day, Lydia.”

“You too, Father.”

Castiel sits there, studying the floor as she leaves. He doesn’t move until he hears the sound of a car engine rumbling outside. He gasps and stands up, quickly making his way to the doors. He reaches it in time to see Dean starting to make his way up the steps.

“Dean.”

“Hey Cas.” The man smiles up at him. “You ready for dinner?”

Castiel takes a deep breath and exhales, “Actually,”

Dean’s smile falls. “You changed your mind.”

“No,” Castiel blurts. “No I just…I haven’t finished my work.” He know he isn’t _exactly_ lying and that makes him feel a little better about it. “I thought I would be done by now but I was mistaken. It’ll take me another couple of hours at least to finish so I’m afraid I can’t join you for dinner.”

Dean laughs, “Cas c’mon, are you serious? You ever heard of take-out?” He slaps Castiel lightly on the shoulder. “I’ll go grab a couple burgers, some beers, and we can eat in. Whaduya say?”

Castiel shakes his head. “I don’t know if—”

“I’m sure God won’t mind if you take a _little_ break.”

He sighs then nods, knowing that Dean won’t waver. “Okay.”

“Alright I’ll be right back.”

Dean surges forward but his action is aborted before he could finish it.

He clears his throat. “Sorry,”

“It’s okay.” Castiel whispers.

Dean nods. “I’ll be back.”

Castiel doesn’t think about it, about the way his lips tingle with even just the idea that Dean had meant to kiss him. His closes his hands into fists to stop them from shaking as he steps back into the church.

Castiel paces. He paces down the pews, he paces the back hallway and now he’s pacing in his office. He doesn’t know what to do. He doesn’t want to break Lydia’s confidence in him but he knows their ill-advised plan of action can’t come to fruition while Castiel holds this knowledge. He prays but he isn’t provided an answer so he keeps pacing.

The knock at his door catches him off-guard.

“Cas?”

He wishes that name would stop making his heart flutter. “Dean."

The man pushes the door open and smiles at him before looking around. “Damn, you didn’t change a thing when you took over did you?” Dean asks as walks through the door, car keys and a greasy paper bag in one hand and a six-pack in the other.

Castiel smiles softly then takes a deep breath and folds his arms over his chest.

“I told you I don’t drink.”

“What this?” Dean raises the beers a little. “Nah I was gonna get you some water but I figured you’d have some here.” He grins. “This is for me.”

Castiel laughs and Dean smiles wider when he hears it.

"God, I missed that laugh." He says softly before gesturing at the couch Castiel occasionally sleeps on when he’s too tired from work to drive home. “You mind?”

He nods and Dean takes a seat.

Castiel retrieves the coffee mug from his desk. “I’m gonna go grab some water.”

He steps out into the hallway for a moment to the water fountain and fills his cup. When he steps back into the room, Dean is standing by the bookcase, running his fingers over the spines. Castiel catches his attention when he sits down and starts crinkling the bag of burgers.

“You remember how we met?” Dean asks as he moves back over to sit down.

Castiel nods as he unwraps his burger. “I walked in to find you asking my dad about becoming an altar boy.”

Dean chuckles. “You know I only wanted to do that so I could talk to you, right?”

Castiel pauses before taking his first bite. “I had an inkling.”

“Like I woulda made a good altar boy.”

“Absolutely not.” Castiel mumbles through a mouthful of burger, making Dean laugh.

Castiel tried his best not to scarf down the burger as they reminisced about old times but he was apparently hungrier than he thought and couldn’t help himself.

“That was delicious.” Castiel pats his belly and leans back into the couch.

Dean laughs softly, “Hey, you got a little…” as his thumb comes up and wipes a glob of ketchup from the corner of Castiel’s lips.

Dean looks at it for a moment before grabbing a napkin instead of just bringing it to his lips like he clearly wanted to. He gets up to clean away the trash between them and Castiel finds himself staring at Dean’s back as he walks over to the bin by Castiel’s desk. He quickly looks down at his hands when Dean turns around and sighs.

“Lotta memories in this room, Cas.”

Castiel nods. “Mhm.”

“Like all those time we would sneak back here during church cuz it’s the only place you can’t hear your dad’s voice through the speakers when he’s giving the sermon.” Dean stretches his arm over the back of the couch as he sits back down. “I used to leave hickeys right here, remember?” He brushes his index finger along the bottom of Castiel’s neck to his shoulder.

Castiel smiles. “So my father wouldn’t see them later.”

Dean nods. “Did he ever find out?”

Castiel shakes his head. “No.” He turns to Dean again to find that his face is barely an inch away from his own.

He watches Dean’s gaze drop to his lips then scoots away to put a little more space between them. “Have you spoken to Lydia?”

“Not yet.” Dean sighs and reaches out for his second beer.

“You need to.”

Dean smirks. “Eager to have me all to yourself?”

“I just think the two of you need to have a conversation and soon.”

Dean stares at him for a moment. “I’ve got a feeling this doesn’t just have to do with our plan.”

“I only want to make sure that the two of you get everything out in the open in case we go through with this.”

“In case?” He scoffs. “Man, Cas it sorta sounds like you don’t want to go through with this.”

“It would be best that we keep our options open.”

“Nah,” Dean takes a sip of his beer. “You’re my only option. Always have been.”

“That’s what you said when we were kids and look how that turned out.” Castiel mumbles.

Dean sighs. “Cas, I don’t wanna talk about Lydia, I wanna talk about us.”

“There _is_ no us Dean!” Castiel stands and moves away from the couch. “Wasn’t that our agreement? That we’d work around our feelings? That we’d be _friends_?”

“We _are_ being friends!”

“We can never be friends, Dean.”

“Cas…”

Castiel shakes his head and walks closer to the door. “I knew this was a terrible idea, especially now since—”

“Since what?”

He knows he shouldn't break his oath to Lydia but…

“Since Lydia’s pregnant.”

Dean freezes. “What?”

Castiel bites his lip. “She came by earlier, wanting to talk,” He mutters, “I think that in light of this information, you should continue on your path.”

"Wh—continue on my p—” Dean stands. “You think I should marry her?"

"Yes." Castiel answers quickly. "Lydia's a good woman and you’re a good man. You’ll make wonderful parents."

“I don’t wanna be with her, Cas. That’s exactly why I said I would stay here with you.” Dean starts shaking his head. “You can’t ask me to let you go again.”

"You _have_ to."

“No!” Dean shouts. “No, no, there has to be something, some way I can—”

“You can’t un-impregnate someone, Dean!” Castiel huffs. “Maybe if you didn’t want to become a father, you would’ve taken precautions.”

The glare that Castiel receives is broken as Dean wipes a hand down his face and drops back onto the couch. “I don’t wanna fight.” He says, running both hands through his hair and hanging his head between his knees.

Castiel sighs as he moves back to sit down next to him. He rests a hand on the man’s back. “Dean, I understand your trepidation and I truly wish that the circumstances were different but you wouldn’t be the man I fell in love with if you left her now that you know what you know.”

Dean scoffs bitterly a minute later. "Well then, looks like this night just turned into my bachelor party. I guess Sam should be involved but," He shrugs, "I'll have two." then brings the bottle to his lips and drinks down the whole thing in one go before quickly picking up another one.

Castiel stops him before he could chug that one too. "Dean, please."

"What?"

“Don’t punish yourself.”

“This,” He shakes the bottle, “isn’t a punishment.”

“Dean…”

“Don’t you have work to do?”

Castiel blinks.

“G’head, I’ll be as quiet as possible.” Dean deadpans as he brings the bottle to his lips again.

Castiel waits to see if he can catch Dean’s attention with his eyes but the man is purposefully looking away from him. Defeated, he pushes himself up from the couch and makes his way to his desk.

Not a word is exchanged between them until an hour passes when Castiel hears Dean mumble his name. When he looks up from the papers on his desk, he finds Dean lying, fast asleep with his head cricked a weird way on his shoulder. Castiel smiles and shakes his head as he stands.

He takes the blanket from the back of the couch as he leans Dean down onto the cushion. Before he could spread the blanket over Dean, he grabs Castiel’s arm in his sleep.

“Cas,” He mutters, pulling at Castiel’s sleeve.

“Shhh,” Castiel whispers. “Go back to sleep.”

“C’mere.” He pulls the sleeve again as he opens his eyes just a little and slurs. “Lay down with me for a second.”

“Dean.”

“Just until I fall asleep, please?”

Castiel tries to yank his arm out of Dean’s grip before he sighs and concedes. “Okay.”

The couch isn’t big enough for two grown men but Dean just tugs Castiel down and pushes him between his body and the back of the couch.

“Just until you fall asleep.” Castiel tells himself more than Dean but he still receives a nod.

Castiel raises his head when he hears Dean’s snoring not two minutes after they laid down. His eyes scan over the man’s face as he sleeps. Castiel sighs when his heart starts pounding in his chest at the thought of pressing their lips together.

“Cas?”

Castiel gasps softly when he realises he’s been found out. “Sorry.”

He tried to move but Dean holds him fast. “Why’re you staring at me?”

“Nothing. Will you let me up?”

“Not until you tell me why you’re staring at me.”

Castiel rolls his eyes. “I’m staring because…because I want to kiss you.”

“Then kiss me.” Dean says.

“That is inappropriate.”

“Didn’t you say once that every kiss means something?” He shrugs. “This one’ll be goodbye.”

Castiel chews the inside of his mouth, contemplating the idea. “Okay.” He sighs. “But I do the kissing, you just...stay there.”

Dean nods but Castiel doesn’t miss the little smirk playing on his lips. He scoots closer, looking at Dean’s mouth to make sure that they’re lined up correctly before pressing against them. He pulls back quickly, not wanting to get pulled into temptation.

Dean chuckles. “Feel better?”

“Yes.” Castiel replies and rests his head back on Dean’s chest.

 

Dean didn’t leave until the next morning. After their kiss, Castiel had laid his head down and went to sleep. He didn’t open his eyes again until the soreness in his back became too unbearable to stay asleep much longer. He opened his eyes, not to the sun as he expected, but to Dean staring at him.

He looks away when Dean says, “Mornin’ Cas,” just like he used to when they were younger.

“Good morning,” Castiel groans as he pushes himself up.

Dean’s hand lingers on his back before he gets up too and yawns. “Where can I guy get some breakfast in this joint?”

“That depends,” Castiel rubs his eyes. “Are you hung-over?”

Dean snorts. “I haven’t been hung-over since I was a teenager.”

Castiel tries not to frown at that revelation because it’s obvious that Dean has definitely kept up with his drinking habits over the years. He clears his throat.

“Well then, you should go to Moe’s. It’s right down the street.”

“Yeah,” Dean nods. “I remember Moe’s.” He grunts as he pushes himself off the couch. “So…” He digs his hands into his back pockets. “I guess this is it.”

“I guess so.”

He sighs. “And you won’t reconsider?”

Castiel purses his lips and shakes his head.

“Alright, well, I’ll just grab Lydia and we’ll be outta your hair in a couple hours.”

Castiel nods.

Dean turns for the door momentarily then faces Castiel again. “Look Cas, before I go I just…I want you to know that despite everything I still—”

“Lydia’s probably worried Dean.” He says to the floor. “You should go home to her.”

Dean opens his mouth but then snaps it closed, nods and turns to leave.

 

The rest of his day runs by in a stupor. He moves with muscle memory rather than really paying attention to anything. He stops every so often to lean against something and sob before choking it down then continuing his work.

“Father?” comes the first call of his title since he started this morning.

Castiel always has to force a smile when he sees her. “Hello Lydia.”

“I just wanted to say that I’m sorry that you couldn’t officiate for us. Dean told me how busy you are.”

He nods and wishes that she wouldn’t say his name.

“But thank you anyway and uh also thank you for sending Dean back my way.”

“It was no trouble.” He looks at anything but her. “Doing that sort of thing is in my job description.”

She nods and folds her arms over her chest. “As is _celibacy_ , right?”

Castiel furrows his brow. “Yes, that’s correct.”

“So, I expect what with him staying with you all night last night, nothing happened between you two, right?”

“I don’t understand what you mean.”

Lydia scoffs. “I’m not nearly as stupid or as blind as you and Dean seem to think I am.” Castiel opens his mouth but she holds up a hand to stop him from speaking. “I mean, he never shuts up about you. Always Cas this and Cas that. He talks about you in his sleep.” She rolls her eyes. “It took me maybe three seconds to realise he’s in love with you. I couldn’t let him come back here alone because I knew something would happen between the two of you if I did but here I am, and yet...”

“I assure you Lydia, there is no longer anything between us. There hasn’t been for years.”

“ _Good_.” She says and Castiel watches in silence as her hand rises to cup her belly. “The baby and I are ever so grateful to hear that, Father.” She grins and leans in to push a kiss onto his cheek before raises her lips to his ear. “And I hope we never see you again.”

She smiles before turning and making her way out of the church.

Castiel doesn’t react. Not a shout, a cry, nothing. He doesn’t open his mouth, he just simply goes back to his work. He knows that Lydia had every right to feel ill will toward him. He couldn’t imagine what it would be like to be in her shoes, to know the person you were planning to marry was desperately in love with someone else. It’s for the best anyway. He and Dean could never get anywhere in this life. Dean deserves to settle down, to have a family and grow old with someone he can hold at night, not moon after Castiel for the rest of his days with little to no reciprocation. All this is for the best. After all, Father Castiel Milton lives a simple life and it’s easier to tell himself that than to admit he made a mistake in not giving it all up for the man he loves.


End file.
